alaala

something totally unexpected happened to me today - my former girlfriend sent me an instant message through yahoo messenger, asking how i was.

at first, i didn't know whether i would ignore her or answer her. i decided to answer her honestly. i told her that i didn't know how to answer her question, that i wanted to think that i was okay, but there are days that i'm not sure (if i'm indeed okay or not).

when she asked why, i simply answered: "alam mo na, kapag may naaalala, nalulungkot."

she replied: "ah...ok. sorry..."

i decided that it was better if i said what was on my mind and my heart right there and then.

i told her that i'll make it short. i requested her not to send me any more messages. i told her that i just burst into tears whenever i think about her or whenever i remember her. i reminded her that she was the one who asked me to let her go. i said maybe it would be better if she didn't treat me as a friend anymore. i told her that there are many things that i could not understand. i told her that i tried asking questions, but i guess i will never find the answers. i told her na hindi ako nagda-drama. i told her: "...please just let me let you go."

i was crying and trembling the whole time that i was writing that.

all she said was: "ah ok. sorry. just want to know if ur ok. tnx. bye."

i said: "it wouldn't matter to you anyway if i was ok or not. goodbye..., i wish you more happiness, more than what i wasn't able to give you. i really loved you. i hope you believe that. pero tapos na e, kaya siguro dapat manatili na lang na ganito."

that was as honest as i could get. it broke my heart to say that to her, but i felt that i needed to say it.

i realized that, almost a year after i got burned by the love of my life, that i'm still not over that fact.

putang-ina, ang sakit pa rin.