anniversary

it's pretty ironic that i have entitled this entry as such. in my 28 years, i have never celebrated an anniversary of a relationship. in fact, i have stumbled twice without even reaching the proverbial 365th day. still, the word 'anniversary' is something that i can relate to, albeit in a quite tragic way.

a year ago today, my girlfriend asked me to let her go. it was very painful for me to do so, because she had been my source of strength and inspiration. she was a person who would lift me up when i was almost down and out. she was probably the only person who would make my day alright even if everything else went wrong. she was the most beautiful lady to me, and i loved her with all my heart. she changed my life the moment that i met her. i know some or most of you would find that corny or even cheesy, but i wouldn't care. it doesn't matter to me. loving her was the best thing that happened to me, but our relationship ended abruptly. some might say it was not meant to be, but i think in reality, she did not want it to be.

during that fateful night, i cried my heart out. yes, even a rough brute like me gets emotional. i couldn't make sense out of  the things that had unfolded. days, weeks and a couple of months passed, my questions fell on deaf ears, and i was continuously ignored like i was some kind of a fool. that hurt me even more. she would send me instant messages at times when she probably had nothing else to do. each and every one of those messages hurt me like hell. it was as if she didn't dump me at all. i remembered that she even told me about her latest prospect - "guess what, may bago akong kina-karir." that was worse than a spit in my face. i felt that she was probably laughing at me behind my back. i felt stupid because i got so affected every time that she made her rare presence felt. a friend of mine advised me to neither pull her towards me nor push her away. another friend told me that i should let her speak about her reasons when she's finally willing to do so. forcing the issue would get me nowhere, and that i would always end up blaming myself. because my questions were left unanswered, there was a time that i felt that it was all my fault. i would burn myself at work in order not to feel the depression, but there were times that i couldn't help but cry - on the way home, while eating dinner, or even before sleeping.

after several months, i decided that i should force myself to forget about her. there was no sense in holding on to someone who kept on ignoring me. i remembered a month after she left, she told me that i was the best guy friend that she ever had, that i didn't leave her when she needed me. i just realized several months later that friends are supposed to be open to each other. friends are supposed to be honest toward one another. friends are supposed to trust each other. i realized that she was treating me like a fool when, on the one hand, she says that i'm her friend, but on the other hand, she couldn't be honest to me. maybe some of you would think that i don't have the right to make her tell me what her reasons were. but i humbly believed, from day one, that i deserve to know what the truth is.

until now, i don't know why she really left. i wish i knew, but i don't. maybe someday i would find answers, and maybe i won't. maybe someday, i wouldn't care at all if i find the answers or not.

let me let you go, for the last time. i will never forget you. i love you. may you always be happy.

a year ago today, i was devastated. now, i am just lonely. today, my life begins - again.