here's a deviation from my usual one-word titles for blog entries. yesterday, i emailed our office christmas card to my friends. i just forgot to compress the files, so i apologize to anyone who had difficulty downloading. i would just like to share a part of our (unofficial) office blog post written by an officemate for this holiday season to all of you:
"This year we are sharing a question, which personally I think is quite apt amid the turbulent times:
Sa pangkalahatan, masasabi po ba ninyo na ang inyong Pasko ngayong taon ay magiging..? [On the whole, would you say that your Christmas this year will be..?] (Masaya [Happy] code 1, Malungkot [Sad] code 2, Hindi masaya at hindi rin malungkot [Not happy and not sad] code 3)"
if i may be bold, i would like to wish each and every one of you a code 1 Christmas this 2007. i know that it would be highly improbable for everyone to be happy at the same time, but that's why i'm wishing for it. if it wasn't difficult, it wouldn't be a wish - it would just be something in a "to do" list.
from the bottom of my heart, may you all have a meaningful Christmas and a New Year filled with hope.
last night, i was browsing journal entries of some people in my close network in multiply, when i read this journal entry by a friend of a new acquaintance of mine. the post contained lyrics to the song "i love you, goodbye" - and i read it out of curiosity. offhand, i knew that i might be opening a pandora's box, but i proceeded nevertheless.
as i read each line, i couldn't help but get teary-eyed, because i suddenly remembered the fateful night when i tried to talk to my then-girlfriend to hopefully patch up our relationship that was shaky at that time (this happened about nine months ago). i remembered how she kept avoiding the topic, and insisted that i just accept her proposition that we call it quits. i remembered how she mentioned the song "i love you, goodbye" as a song that reflected what she was feeling at that very moment. i remembered my futile attempts to make sense of what was unfolding that night.
for the past several weeks, i was feeling okay on the overall, not even thinking of the heartbreak that has been going steady with me for the past nine months. and then i read that journal entry. all of a sudden, the confusion, grief and loneliness were right back in front of me. i realized that i'm still not over her, that my emotional attachment to her was still there. the more i try to fight it, the more i realize how intense the pain is. maybe there's no other way to heal myself except by gradually forgetting and letting go, one day at a time. it looks like i'm going to have to do this the hard way - then so be it. cheers.
this was lifted from my blogspot account, the password of which i couldn't recall because of my carelessness. i posted this last july 19, 2005 - long before i encountered multiply. so i'd probably say: "welcome to multiply," i guess.
tanghód (tang-hód), n. 1. act of watching or looking at something patiently. syn. matiyagáng panonoód o pagbabantáy. 2. act of waiting around hopefully or patiently with the expectation that someone would give him something. also, panananghód 3. a patient expectator or onlooker. syn. matiyagáng mirón.
mirón (mi-rón) n. (sp.) spectator; onlooker; bystander. syn. mánonoód; taong osyoso.
puwedeng tingnan
pero huwag titigan
amoy lang
huwag tikman
hawakan lang,
pero huwag idiin
huwag idiin
huwag hipuin.
matagal na kitang
pinanonood,
hinahangad,
inaangkin.
ngunit
hindi makayang
makuha
pinaunawa mo sa akin
ang mga salitang
muntik,
halos,
baka sakali,
panandalian,
balewala,
at
mababaw.
alak pa nga
para malimutan
lang
lahat ng ito
wala na pala
teka
kikilitiin
ko lang
ang sarili ko
tandaan mo
ayaw ko ng barya
ayaw ko ng tirá
ayaw ko ng lumÃ
ayaw ko
ng awà .
i took this from my seldom-visited/updated myspace account and re-posted it here (obviously). this is another jab at the several futilities i (or we) experience in life. ganun daw talaga, sabi nila. ang daming daplis, ang daming halos, ang daming muntik. pero naniniwala pa rin ako na makaka-jackpot din ako, hinihintay ko lang yung araw na yun. at kapag dumating ang araw na yun, i could finally say: FINALLY!!! THE ROCK HAS COME BACK, ay mali, hindi pala ganun. ibig ko lang namang sabihin, lahat naman ng tao, may araw din. at naniniwala akong parating din ang araw ko. hindi lahat ng araw masama, hindi lahat ng laro talo. balang araw makaka-tikim din ng dumadagundong na "People's Elbow" mula sa akin 'yang punyetang kamalasan na 'yan. and i can "guaran-damn-tee" that. as for kailan, 'yan ang hindi ko masasabi. ang masasabi ko lang sa sarili ko: mangyayari din yun.
at sabi din ng isang kaibigan: "in three words i can sum up everything i've learned about life: it goes on."
likewise, alam mo kung sino ka. maraming salamat.
here's to waiting what would be in the future.
bago pa man tayo mapunta sa mga usapan tungkol sa mga kabayong prinsipe at mga waiter na may kutsara sa bulsa, eto na ang re-post ko:
Sunday, April 18, 2004
 | poem analyzed for me this is heaven |
i recently thought of this old song by L.A. Guns so i decided to download it. after listening to it again after so many years, i realized that it somehow reflects what's going on in my mind right now. i'm definitely not a fan of break-ups, but after undergoing one, it's difficult to erase from your mind. it's like the waves in the sea - they recede for a while, then they wallop you even harder sometimes. for now, i would have to bear that cross. here's to hoping that all of this pain will eventually go away... cheers.
It's Over Now
L.A. Guns
Just another night
And I'm all alone
I wonder where you are
Who you're holding
And I'm wasting time
By the telephone
It gets harder when there's no way of knowing
I thought we'd be together someday
There was nothing that could keep me away
Coulda worked it out somehow
But it's over now
Thought you'd be comin' 'round
But it's over now
When I close my eyes
I can see your face
There was still so much to discover
All the time we shared
Can't be erased
Now you're in the arms of another
I always thought we'd make it someday
There was nothing that could keep me away
Coulda worked it out somehow
But it's over now
Thought you'd be comin' 'round
But it's over now
If you broke my heart
I can't let it show
I can take the pain
I can't let you go
Some people change
I guess it had to be
Even though you're gone now
You still mean so much to me
Just another day
I'm still holdin' on
No matter how I try
I can't shake this feeling
Yeah I'm sitting here
Like nothing's wrong
I'm still lookin' for someone to believe in
I thought we'd be together someday
There was nothing that could keep me away
Coulda worked it out somehow
But it's over now
this is actually an old poem from a couple of years back. they call this type of poem a sestina. originally, my best friend alex gave this 'assignment' as a writing exercise. i managed to write this in about two days, and surprisingly, it even got published online sa dalityapi (volume 5, issue 1 of makata 2004). this is one of my several attempts to dabble in the art of writing, as well as a sort of introduction to those who do not know me. so here it is, i'm sharing it with whoever wants to read and take a peek into my life.
On Leave
From this side of the room the blue sky turned gray
And by looking out the window strafed with black mud,
You ask why the only glitter in this forgotten basement
Was lamplight refracted through a bottle of beer on a Friday.
Trudging the moist earth was a forgotten pet turtle
Whose only consolation is devouring worms and their juice.
Dry leaves exist beneath it, their bodies devoid of any juice
Splashed in God-made puddles that dried up and went gray,
Ravaged slowly and scratched by black claws of the beast-turtle
Or turtle-beast burrowing in the seemingly prehistoric mud,
Oblivious to mortal sorrows consummated on alcohol-Friday
Night drinking binges and death wishes in the basement.
Give me something to dwell in, not the past, but the basement
Instead of the deadly aroma of Satan’s gin and poor man’s juice.
When Bathala decides to eventually turn me into stone on Friday,
Bathe me in the marijuana smoke haze that made your heart gray.
And quietly I’ll kill the memories then bury you in the cold mud,
Where your porcelain skin and amber eyes won’t matter to the turtle
Whose only need is to feed and not being able to mate with another turtle,
His ill fate is just as cursed as mine. Dwelling in a dank basement
Is as self-fulfilling as burrowing, feeding and killing someone in mud
Which nobody notices until the body floats like ice in a glass of juice
Spiked with the Devil’s brew, so lethal it could turn all your hair gray
In a span of seconds, like a blowjob making a schoolboy come on a Friday.
Smell of dead leaves, damp soil and rotting fruit tells me it’s Friday,
The 13th day of the trudging, the searching, the foraging, the turtle
Finally coming full circle to where it once dwelled in, unmindful of the gray
Puddle attempting to drown the cold-blooded inhabitant of the basement,
Drags it under, where the half-eaten fruit shelters a dead beetle and the juice
From the once desired fruit turns sour, becoming one with the mud.
The image of a woman once loved takes shape, rising above the mud.
Her eyes sparkle, as if wanting to tell her man to come over on a Friday
Night instead of spending it with friends who do nothing but drink juice
Drowned in poor man’s gin, telling the same old stories like a turtle
Walking the same path over and over, around an empty basement
Whose sole dweller’s soul is still possessed by a past love turned gray.
Her lips were strawberry juice, oblivious of mine that felt like a turtle
Drenched in fresh mud after a tropical storm that came on a Friday
Night, flooding the empty basement, turning the white walls gray.
© Christian Michael Entoma
Works at the Social Weather Stations as a research assistant and plays rhythm guitar in a lousy band called Happy Christians. He is currently taking a break from working on his project website, Batuta Ni Drakula.com which features Kamao at Lipistik, a multi-media script whose characters are based on real life.
i was supposed to just re-post my previous blog entries from friendster, myspace and blogspot, but then again, i decided to post something unique here in multiply. here goes…
last Thursday, april 12, 2007, i attended a seminar-workshop about surveys and opinion polls in Makati City. as i was on my way back to the office that afternoon, the taxicab that i was riding lost its brakes, skidded for several meters and bumped a pickup in front of it. i was imagining to myself: “what if we hit this vehicle?” and suddenly the taxicab did. it wasn’t a major hit though, as the damage wasn’t prominent—at least for the pickup—and mr. cab driver was able to haggle with the pickup’s owner via cellphone. from a thousand bucks, he was able to reduce his ‘sentence’ to P500. all the while, i was watching him haggle with the driver and owner of the pickup as well as watching the meter run—the whole ruckus was worth P20 in a solitary position. as mr. cab driver resumed driving, i pondered on what just happened. i could have been badly injured, or even dead. but i was still blessed to have made it out of that situation unscathed. and it happened a day before Friday the 13th. i’m a bit superstitious, but not THAT superstitious to really believe in Friday the 13th and the brouhaha that surrounds it.
i was also reminded of the Filipino saying: “ang masamang damo, matagal mabuhay.”
maybe i still have a purpose after all. i just have to continue living to finally find it.
thank god.
